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Man, I still can’t wrap my head around the whole “dinosaurs had feathers” thing. What’s next? Pluto’s not a planet, women poop, and my parents had sex more than twice (counting me and my brother)?

In all seriousness, I had dinos on the brain as a lad, so you can imagine what Jurassic Park (the film) did to my 5 year-old brain. And the toys were the best, too. All squishy, with removable viscera. I wonder if kids today can get the same thrill out of paleontology?

Anyhoo, if you hate yourself, I recommend you watch Telltale’s “Jurassic Park: The Game”. If you really hate yourself, actually play it. A complete and utter travesty, right up there with “Duke Nukem Forever” and “Colonial Marines”. How they ever managed to produce excellence such as “The Walking Dead”, I’ll never know.

At first I thought that feathered velociraptors were decidedly less scary– and nevermind that they were scaled up in Jurassic Park to make them seem more threatening. But then I remembered some childhood trauma– have you ever encountered a grumpy goose? I have, and was emotionally scarred for life. Hell, swans are murdering bastards. I realized that cute and feathery velociraptors are perhaps even more terrifying than they’ve been portrayed in movies.

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