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Nothing Says I’m Sorry Like Flowers

Nothing Says I’m Sorry Like Flowers published on 2 Comments on Nothing Says I’m Sorry Like Flowers

I’m a bit under the weather, so I’m going to be really brief tonight.

I’ve been spending the slivers of free-time I have playing UbiSoft’s Rocksmith. I can’t praise this game effusively enough–in fact, I love it enough to cross the “Pedant Barrier” and use the word “effusive.”

If you’ve ever been interested in learning the guitar or even if you’re a veteran guitarist, like Jim and I, it’s an amazing game. It works like a Rockband or GuitarHero game, except instead of clicking away on a toy, you get to rock out on your guitar. It’s engaging, challenging, and fun.

The game includes mini-games intended to help you master scales, chords, and general face melting techniques. It teaches you to play by starting you off with single notes, works up to roots/fifths, and finally chords and more complex arrangements.

Between this title and the Assassin’s Creed titles, UbiSoft is really doing games well. Hooray for UbiSoft… now send us some swag.

Cheers,

Jack

Do You Believe in Magic

Do You Believe in Magic published on 1 Comment on Do You Believe in Magic

The Soup doesn’t usually go political.

Nor does the Soup typically write about itself in the 3rd Person.

Reader it’s your lucky day.

We at the Soup would like to start by apologizing to the mythical fairy community. It’s crummy to be associated in any way with Aiken–we went with the “Conception Fairy” joke after testing out a long series of possible Aiken beliefs including:

Conception Centaur (Old Spice Commercials make me laugh so the centaur was a nonstarter)

Conception Cerberus (Man’s best friend, even with two heads)

Conception Leprechaun (They paid me off in yellow moons)

So, the Soup settled on fairies.  The Soup is very sorry.

On a semi-serious note…sadly, too many people share Aiken’s staggeringly idiotic, and wildly misogynistic views. Increasingly, I find that like Professor Farnsworth, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

Since I can’t leave, I guess the only thing I can do is ridicule them for the rest of time.

Have you mocked an idiot today?

Cheers,

Jack

Holy…

Holy… published on 4 Comments on Holy…

Tonight’s blog will be short as I need to explode somethings with an old flame, Rochelle.

Her hobbies include Depeche Mode, TV Producing, and zombie killin’.

I don’t know why I always wound up playing Rochelle, but I did. I couldn’t sing you a Depeche Mode song to save my buddy Keith’s life, so it can’t be that. I’ll leave you to speculate.

Longtime readers of the comic have no doubt guessed that Jim and I are huge Left 4 Dead fans. We played the game, as Jim has fondly noted, nearly every night for two years. I picked it up on Steam’s Summer Sale for $5 and find myself quickly falling in love all over again.

At this point in my life it’s an almost perfect game for me. It’s competitive and compelling, funny, and if my little guy wakes up I can walk away knowing that the AI will take over and my pals won’t be a Rochelle short when the horde arrives.

Man, oh man, does Valve know how to make a game!

Cheers,

Jack

Praise

Praise published on 3 Comments on Praise

So there I was in the Costco bakery.

I was going to buy something.

Something awesome.

While I decided, I watched the busy bakers pull giant muffin trays out of equally giant ovens.  The smell is intoxicating.

I love the Costco bakery. It’s a place of anticipation.  A place of promise.

Moderately priced priced baked goods inflated to Herculean portions–it’s like getting a “Golden Ticket” except I’m not burdened with a sadistic Wonka making a morality play of the experience.

I am however burdened with a cholesterol of 335 (a good 135 points above acceptable, or so I’m told).

Saddled with that number and a family history of early exists–I fear my love for mammoth baked goods, is a love that was never meant to be.

So I equivocate–perhaps a five pound key lime pie is excessive; I guess I don’t really need a 12544 calorie chocolate cake (that’s actually true, sad, and true).

I told you though, I was determined to get something awesome. Instead, I got the most banal of baked goods, I got chocolate chip cookies.

They’re good, but my god it felt like a failure when I bought them.

The failure was complete when I ate two in the parking lot.

The worst part, I spent well over a hundred dollars there today. Other than beer and cookies I can’t for the life of me think of what I bought.

Cheers,

Jack

What Has that Man Done to You? Pt. 2

What Has that Man Done to You? Pt. 2 published on 2 Comments on What Has that Man Done to You? Pt. 2
As an American I only speak one language… I am aware that others exist, but I choose only to use them as seasoning.
In the case of my Banana Bread, I’ve spiced it up with “de los Muertos,” I’ve always thought the phrase sounded delicious and invigorating, just like my bread.
If you’re like me, you’ve got some nerd friends who are bound to ask why it’s called “Banana Bread de los Muertos”–here’s your answer, you tell them it’s because Muertos sustain you and they’re delicious.  Follow it up with, “Nerd.”
Take the silence that follows as acquiescence.
Here’s what you need for your very own Banana Bread de los Muertos:
1 1/2 cups mashed ripe bananas
1/3 cup plain or vanilla yogurt
1/3 cup creamy peanut butter
3 tablespoons butter, melted
2 large eggs
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 ginger
1/4 ground cloves
1/2 to 3/4 of a cup of chocolate chips
Cooking spray
Step 1:  Preheat your oven to 350 Fahrenheit–for any Canadian readers that’s 177 degrees Gretzky
Step 2:  Combine the first five ingredients in a large bowl; beat with a mixer at medium speed.  Then add the granulated and brown sugars until blended.
It's a little known fact that Glamdring gets +5 to Pommel Strikes against both Bananas and Plantains.

 

1 Crit later... mashed nanners

Mix the rest of the wet ingredients with your newly defeated bananas.

Step 3:  Combine flour and the other dry ingredients in a separate mixing bowl.  Combine thoroughly.

Step 4:  Add the combined dry ingredients to the wet–beat until just blended.

Step 5:  Fold in your chocolate chips.

Step 6:  Apply cooking spray to a 9×5 baking pan.

Step 7:  Pour your batter in and bake in preheated oven for 1 hour and 5 minutes or until a wooden toothpick inserted in the middle of the bread comes out clean.

Remove from oven and let cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes.  Then remove bread from pan and cut it in half.  Keep one half for yourself and throw the other half onto your lawn where you’re sure to have attracted all the pregnant ladies in your neighborhood.  I should have mentioned that pregnant women need Banana Bread, so it’s best just to accept that you’ll at best get half of what you made. Don’t fight them, just give in.

 

Now here’s an adorable pictures of Ishmael.  The World’s Greatest Feline Companion.

If your bread is delicious, then you’re welcome. If it stinks, I accept your apology for ruining my recipe.

Cheers,

Jack

The Grass is Greener, part 2

The Grass is Greener, part 2 published on 4 Comments on The Grass is Greener, part 2

Stupid Brawny Man, Jack never would have done that to poor Molly.

First of all, he wouldn’t have been outside. There are bugs outside.

Secondly, four-wheelers are idiotic. Unless they’re strapped with C4 a la Battlefield 3. So he certainly wouldn’t have drug her onto one.

Believe it or not, Panel 6 actually happened to a friend of mine, though I don’t think her Brawny Man was quite so strapping as the one Jim has given us.

She was on a date and flung off of an ATV–she lay whimpering in the dirt until her date was able to turn around. When he did come back he delivered the priceless line from Panel 6, “Get up, ya pussy!  You’re embarrassing me in front of my friends!”

It was their last date.

Pro-tip fellas, ask if your date is okay–before calling her a pussy. Or better yet, if you have the urge to call a woman pussy get a vasectomy. Your lineage needs to end.

Cheers,

Jack

Miracle of Modern Technology

Miracle of Modern Technology published on 2 Comments on Miracle of Modern Technology

Unicorn Soup began in late July. Over the last six months, Jim and I have been lucky enough to have some really thoughtful and supportive readers–some of you have even been nice enough to comment on our work. Sincerely, thank you.

We’ve also had our share of bizarre spam.  Below is a collection of some of our favorite pieces (note all typos were included in the spam):

  • “Superior thinnkig demonstrated above. Thanks!”  (I’m always guilty of superior thinnkig)
  • “If my pbroelm was a Death Star, this article is a photon torpedo.”  (Nerd spam)
  • “I’ve been surfing on-line more than 3 hours as of late, but I never found any interesting article like yours. It?s beautiful price sufficient for me. In my view, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet can be a lot more helpful than ever before.”  (I love the word salad spam, the sound my brain makes as I try to put it together is troubling though.)
  • “Ever find anything out regarding irvine orthodontist “  (I’d go with Dr. Paine)
  • “advertising” (Honest and to the point.)
  • Thought I might add this “If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies… It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it.” – Albert Einstein (OMG PHILOSOPHY SPAM)
  • I will immediately clutch your rss as I can not to find your email subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service. Do you have any? Please let me recognize in order that I may subscribe. Thanks. (Whoa!  I just met you keep your hands off my rss)

Whenever I feel a little low, I know I can browse our spam folder for a pick me up.

In other news, our Podcast with the gents over at TWXXD will post sometime next week. I’d also like to direct all my Magic the Gathering pals over to our friend Javis at Legacy-Control.  Especially those of you who’ve played the card game of Magic–this is your strip.

Time for some double fisted addictive gaming–SWTOR and Words with Friends here I come. Is that the gaming equivalent of a speedball?

Cheers,

Jack

TWXXD/Legacy Control Podcast

TWXXD/Legacy Control Podcast published on No Comments on TWXXD/Legacy Control Podcast

Hey kids!

Have time to kill?  Long commutes got you down?  Cheer up, two of our favorite comic creators have put out another in their long line of time hilarious and wide ranging podcasts.

They can get a little blue from time to time so if you’ve got sensitive ears or a co-worker limit your listening accordingly.

Cheers,

Jack