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Choice words from the author about this week’s comic.

Do You Believe in Magic

Do You Believe in Magic published on 1 Comment on Do You Believe in Magic

The Soup doesn’t usually go political.

Nor does the Soup typically write about itself in the 3rd Person.

Reader it’s your lucky day.

We at the Soup would like to start by apologizing to the mythical fairy community. It’s crummy to be associated in any way with Aiken–we went with the “Conception Fairy” joke after testing out a long series of possible Aiken beliefs including:

Conception Centaur (Old Spice Commercials make me laugh so the centaur was a nonstarter)

Conception Cerberus (Man’s best friend, even with two heads)

Conception Leprechaun (They paid me off in yellow moons)

So, the Soup settled on fairies.  The Soup is very sorry.

On a semi-serious note…sadly, too many people share Aiken’s staggeringly idiotic, and wildly misogynistic views. Increasingly, I find that like Professor Farnsworth, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

Since I can’t leave, I guess the only thing I can do is ridicule them for the rest of time.

Have you mocked an idiot today?

Cheers,

Jack

Liars, Damn Liars and Magic Players

Liars, Damn Liars and Magic Players published on No Comments on Liars, Damn Liars and Magic Players

One of my wife’s friends and colleagues is an honest to goodness Montana rancher. His ranch has been in his family for approaching a century.

He spends long hot summers on horseback herding cattle, mending fences, and working harder before breakfast than I do all day.

Oh, and he’s in his 60’s. Before you get the wrong idea (quaint anachronism and all that) I should tell you he has a degree in Mathematics from the University of Chicago. He’s no bumpkin.

To unwind after work he “gardens.” I’ve added the quotation marks because it would be easier to measure his “garden” in acres than it would in feet. His garden is entirely organic, not so much because he’s into the organic food movement, but because he’s old school.

Old, old school, and very generous.

All week we’ve been gorging ourselves on the produce that he gave us, produce that tastes alive–I don’t know that there’s any other way to say it.

I had a meal of exclusively corn that I shucked moments before I cooked it–corn so perfect that salting or buttering it would have been a sin.

I rinsed most of the dirt off of a carrot and ate it up to the greens, the bit of grit in my teeth only added to its perfection.

I sauteed zucchini, squash, peppers, more corn, onions, carrots, and tomatoes–into something approaching Joy.

Perhaps, that’s why I was so disappointed with the restaurant we ate at today. Nothing I ate tasted as if it had once been alive.

The authentic “Italian” cuisine, from America’s favorite Italian chain, did have some good points though.

For instance, it had volume, as in there was shit ton of it. The restaurant was also a generous with the number of calories offered.

The meals did look nice, they came in shapes and colors that signified food.

That said, the chefs who designed the meals did make an interesting choice in opting not to actually include flavor of any kind.

It’s alright though, I’m at home and I have access to flavor. Flavor I’ll achieve with a pot of boiling water and the ear of corn I’m about to shuck.

Cheers,

Jack

Two Unrelated Things: A Jack Janney Exclusive

Two Unrelated Things: A Jack Janney Exclusive published on No Comments on Two Unrelated Things: A Jack Janney Exclusive

Thing 1:  Doctor’s Offices

I’ve been in too many doctor’s offices as of late. Fear not friend of the Soup, Jack will live.

A lot of offices have shed their sterile, clinical digs and replaced them with a chic spa facade. The intent, no doubt, is to make the office feel relaxing and less hospital like. It doesn’t work for me–I appreciate the gesture, but I instantly begin dreading my bill even more than normal. The last office I was in had a sink that was barely an inch deep, and a faucet I couldn’t figure out.

It was awesome and a little depressing. I’ve never had a sink make me feel stupid.

It was even more depressing when the receptionist offered me a drink and served it like a first rate waiter.

If a doctor’s office has a bathroom with awesome designer sinks, and the receptions serves drinks you know your bill is going to have at least four digits.

 

Thing 2:  Marriage

I’ve been married to my lovely wife for a little over ten years now. Poor thing.

After that much time together a lot of the bullshit that surrounds a relationship falls away. Neither of us has the time or patience to play games or dance around issues–we are blunt with one-another and it’s beautiful.

Being so honest also makes for hilarious one liners.

Molly took me by the hand a few nights ago, looked up into my eyes and said, “Do me a personal favor tonight–have a few drinks. Please, please drink.”

At least I know I’m a pleasant drunk.

Cheers,

Jack

Internet Diagnosis

Internet Diagnosis published on 5 Comments on Internet Diagnosis

After reading this Doctor Tobias Funke said, “I wish I could bottle what makes this funny.”

I’m always a decade late in my TV obsessions. This summer I’ve watched Firefly, Arrested Developmentand I intend to give Doctor Who another shot.

The problem isn’t so much that the shows I love are long cancelled–though that is a problem, it’s that referencing the shows in conversation confuses people terribly.It requires a lot of crappy exposition from me to make the jokes intelligible. It’d be sort of like writing a blog that was intended to be funny and loading it full of hyperlinks to ensure that your audience could follow the meat of the discussion.  When people know the shows, I usually just get a polite smile. I feel like Michael Bluth in 2004 making a “Not” joke from 1992–jokes run their course and the delicate art of the humorist is to know when to stop.

As to the comic itself–And this is why you never take your pants off in front of the computer.

No matter how innocent your reason.

No matter how cogent your explanation.

No matter how pure the contents of your web-history.

Everyone will think you were whacking it.

Which if you sat there longer… let’s be honest, is real possibility.

Cheers,

Jack

PS:  People who liked this comic about masturbation might also enjoy these fine creators (obviously a NSWF is possible with each of these).

Legacy Control–“Internet Explorer”

The Frumps–“The Net is Down”

The Obscure Gentlemen–“Dad Dad Daddy-O”

TWXXD–“New Directions”

A Dish Best Served Cold

A Dish Best Served Cold published on 1 Comment on A Dish Best Served Cold

I like the expression, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

I can’t help but think that when the Klingons coined the phrase, they had borscht in mind. Both revenge and borscht are a kind of punishment. Neither is very pleasant–though if you’ve got to endure it it may as well be cold.

It can’t make it any worse.

Any Foodies who once saw Bobby Flay extol the virtues of borscht and have stored away his snarky borscht loving rant, perhaps even practicing it in the shower can kindly shut it. No one likes beets.

They’re gross.

Thanks for reading, now go buy that special lady in your life some ice cream–if she doesn’t finish it you’re entitled to woman scraps.

Cheers,

Jack

The Method–Our 50th Comic!

The Method–Our 50th Comic! published on 5 Comments on The Method–Our 50th Comic!

“The Method” represents Unicorn Soup’s 50th comic.

Happy 50th to Jim!

Happy 50th to me!

50 is indeed a big number, a number which wouldn’t have been possible without our loved ones and friends.

Thanks to our lovely spouses for putting up with, supporting, critiquing, and encouraging Jim and I in our comic pursuits. You smile when we act like children, and we love you for it.

Thanks to John Pezzetti for designing our website. His generosity with his time and talents is extraordinary.

Thanks to our friends and family who laugh at the caricatures they inspire.

Thanks to our gaming friends who continue to provide us with more material than we can produce. You are a wonderful and bizarre group of people.

Thanks to our fellow creators for their support and encouragement. I am terrible at Twitter and yet you still seem to like me–too kind, all of you.

Thanks to our readers for laughing at our jokes. I hope that we only disappoint you periodically.

Finally, thanks to my creative partner Jim for wading through my early scripts with a machete, and for graciously referring to my hideous grammatical mistakes as “typos.” You’re a great friend and I suspect we’ll meet each other some day. Our children will laugh and play, our wives will tell stories of our nerdery, and we’ll sneak off to play guitar.

Thank you all for being a part of my charmed life. That you would take time to read my silliness humbles me.  But you do, and for that you have my sincere gratitude and love.

To 50 more comics!

Cheers,

Jack

Everyday is Halloween

Everyday is Halloween published on 2 Comments on Everyday is Halloween

Since brevity is the soul of wit…I’ll be as long as I want.

We cut the cord today. At 2:53 pm the wife and I ushered in a brand new chapter of our lives.

This chapter will be written entirely without cable. I’m so proud, and $60 a month richer.

Like the 7 million other Americans who I wrongly believe cancelled their cable subscriptions this year, cable just didn’t make sense to us anymore. With Amazon Prime, Netflix, and Hulu all on my PS3 I never watched it anyway. I’m too impatient to watch any series week to week, and it’s simply impossible for me to wait for them to come out on Netflix, so invariably I’d rent or buy them anyway. Cable TV companies, like newspapers, bookstores, and any other information that can be digitally distributed, are doomed.

A quick tangent, part of our cord-cutting was over our general frustration with HBO and their HBOGO service (a service we’re excluded from because our cable carrier didn’t support it). All my wife and I wanted to do was watch Game of Thrones Season 2, then cancel our subscription like normal people.  We’d also have been happy to buy Season 2, like we did Season 1 on Amazon Prime, but the cable companies and HBO have put up too many barriers to accessing their content. I have no doubt that there are a host of legal agreements that prevent HBO from distributing like AMC did The Walking Dead, but it’s still infuriating.

I’m a petulant and coddled media consumer. I want my tawdry fantasy world full of complex and compelling characters, and I want them now! I want the Imp, the Dragon Chick, the White Walkers! Gimmee, gimmee, gimmee, now, now now!

A really nice article appeared in Forbes on just this topic and how it has helped spur the well over 25 million (a number I didn’t make up) pirated GoT downloads.

Oh and I swear if any of you nerds post spoilers I’ll bury you alive in a box. Just like my boy Bob Newhart.

Cheers,

Jack

What Has that Man Done to You? Pt. 2

What Has that Man Done to You? Pt. 2 published on 2 Comments on What Has that Man Done to You? Pt. 2
As an American I only speak one language… I am aware that others exist, but I choose only to use them as seasoning.
In the case of my Banana Bread, I’ve spiced it up with “de los Muertos,” I’ve always thought the phrase sounded delicious and invigorating, just like my bread.
If you’re like me, you’ve got some nerd friends who are bound to ask why it’s called “Banana Bread de los Muertos”–here’s your answer, you tell them it’s because Muertos sustain you and they’re delicious.  Follow it up with, “Nerd.”
Take the silence that follows as acquiescence.
Here’s what you need for your very own Banana Bread de los Muertos:
1 1/2 cups mashed ripe bananas
1/3 cup plain or vanilla yogurt
1/3 cup creamy peanut butter
3 tablespoons butter, melted
2 large eggs
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 ginger
1/4 ground cloves
1/2 to 3/4 of a cup of chocolate chips
Cooking spray
Step 1:  Preheat your oven to 350 Fahrenheit–for any Canadian readers that’s 177 degrees Gretzky
Step 2:  Combine the first five ingredients in a large bowl; beat with a mixer at medium speed.  Then add the granulated and brown sugars until blended.
It's a little known fact that Glamdring gets +5 to Pommel Strikes against both Bananas and Plantains.

 

1 Crit later... mashed nanners

Mix the rest of the wet ingredients with your newly defeated bananas.

Step 3:  Combine flour and the other dry ingredients in a separate mixing bowl.  Combine thoroughly.

Step 4:  Add the combined dry ingredients to the wet–beat until just blended.

Step 5:  Fold in your chocolate chips.

Step 6:  Apply cooking spray to a 9×5 baking pan.

Step 7:  Pour your batter in and bake in preheated oven for 1 hour and 5 minutes or until a wooden toothpick inserted in the middle of the bread comes out clean.

Remove from oven and let cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes.  Then remove bread from pan and cut it in half.  Keep one half for yourself and throw the other half onto your lawn where you’re sure to have attracted all the pregnant ladies in your neighborhood.  I should have mentioned that pregnant women need Banana Bread, so it’s best just to accept that you’ll at best get half of what you made. Don’t fight them, just give in.

 

Now here’s an adorable pictures of Ishmael.  The World’s Greatest Feline Companion.

If your bread is delicious, then you’re welcome. If it stinks, I accept your apology for ruining my recipe.

Cheers,

Jack

What Has that Man Done to You? Pt. 1

What Has that Man Done to You? Pt. 1 published on 3 Comments on What Has that Man Done to You? Pt. 1

My cells are tired, and I suspect it’s my own damn fault.

It’s either my fault because my genes are too stellar, or because I’m facing a karmic punishment for narcissistic shit talking.

First the stellar gene theory, my son has decided that rather than sprouting one or two teeth at a time he’d prefer to have them all at once, thank you very much (I’m operating under the illusion that he’s thoughtfully weighed the pros and cons of protracted vs. acute teething  and has “decided”).   Thus, in addition to being preternaturally cute, tall, and intelligent–he’s believes in brutal efficiency.

I’m so proud. Proud and tired.

In his calculations, I don’t know that he adequately weighed the *Impact on Dad’s Hobbies* variable, or the *Parents Must Preform Adequately at Work* variable.

It is possible that my stellar genes haven’t gifted my son with the ability to plan his teething. If that’s true then in my exhausted state the only reason I can think of that the Universe would have all of a baby’s teeth come in at the same time is as a means of punishing a prideful, shit talking father (i.e. Me).

Before Baby Indy was born, I assured everyone around me that I was the King of the Jungle and that the Baby would bend to my iron will. The Baby would have to conform to my schedule, etc, etc, etc.

I’m such an asshole.

Thus the Universe decided to punish me for my narcissism–teach me some humility.

Well, the Universe can suck it, I’m not learning shit.

If anything I’m doubling down on my narcissism, take this blog as proof. It’s operating under the theory that a baby’s discomfort is a father’s punishment.

Ha! How about that Universe, lesson not learned.

Quick caveat, in the event that the Universe actually reads this know that I’m a huge fan of your work and would love it if you followed me on Twitter. Maybe you could even give us a retweet every once in a while?

So tired.

Cheers,

Jack

Gesundheit

Gesundheit published on 4 Comments on Gesundheit

O Canadians how I love thee.

You send us your very best.

The second best Ghost Buster, Dan Aykroyd, is Canadian.

The second best sketch comedy show is Canadian, “I’m pinching your face!”  Hail, Kids in the Hall.

The second best action-adventure based in Egypt stars Canadian Brendan Fraser.

My wife’s second favorite piece of actor man-candy is Canadian, thank you Ryan Gosling your existence is the equivalent of foreplay.

The second best 80’s Corey was Canadian, RIP Corey Haim.

The second coolest mustache on TV belonged to a Canadian, “Who is Alex Trebeck?”  Damn you Tom Selleck

Finally, Canada gave the us the World’s Greatest Frankenstein.  God Bless your Phil Hartman.  Who can forget his dramatic interpretation of the Canadian Motto, “Fire bad.”  Fire bad, indeed.

Cheers,

Jack

PS  In all sincerity, I love Canada.

I had so many Canadian girlfriends in high school you can’t even believe it.

They were crazy hot too, so it makes sense that I have no prom pictures, or homecoming pictures, or Sadie Hawkins, MORP, Spring Fling, Winter Formal–the point is, if you had a smokin’ hot Canadian girlfriend you wouldn’t want to ruin it by going to some dumb high school dance.