As an American I only speak one language… I am aware that others exist, but I choose only to use them as seasoning.
In the case of my Banana Bread, I’ve spiced it up with “de los Muertos,” I’ve always thought the phrase sounded delicious and invigorating, just like my bread.
If you’re like me, you’ve got some nerd friends who are bound to ask why it’s called “Banana Bread de los Muertos”–here’s your answer, you tell them it’s because Muertos sustain you and they’re delicious. Follow it up with, “Nerd.”
Take the silence that follows as acquiescence.
Here’s what you need for your very own Banana Bread de los Muertos:
1 1/2 cups mashed ripe bananas
1/3 cup plain or vanilla yogurt
1/3 cup creamy peanut butter
3 tablespoons butter, melted
2 large eggs
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 ginger
1/4 ground cloves
1/2 to 3/4 of a cup of chocolate chips
Cooking spray
Step 1: Preheat your oven to 350 Fahrenheit–for any Canadian readers that’s 177 degrees Gretzky
Step 2: Combine the first five ingredients in a large bowl; beat with a mixer at medium speed. Then add the granulated and brown sugars until blended.
It's a little known fact that Glamdring gets +5 to Pommel Strikes against both Bananas and Plantains.
1 Crit later... mashed nanners
Mix the rest of the wet ingredients with your newly defeated bananas.
Step 3: Combine flour and the other dry ingredients in a separate mixing bowl. Combine thoroughly.
Step 4: Add the combined dry ingredients to the wet–beat until just blended.
Step 5: Fold in your chocolate chips.
Step 6: Apply cooking spray to a 9×5 baking pan.
Step 7: Pour your batter in and bake in preheated oven for 1 hour and 5 minutes or until a wooden toothpick inserted in the middle of the bread comes out clean.
Remove from oven and let cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes. Then remove bread from pan and cut it in half. Keep one half for yourself and throw the other half onto your lawn where you’re sure to have attracted all the pregnant ladies in your neighborhood. I should have mentioned that pregnant women need Banana Bread, so it’s best just to accept that you’ll at best get half of what you made. Don’t fight them, just give in.
Now here’s an adorable pictures of Ishmael. The World’s Greatest Feline Companion.
If your bread is delicious, then you’re welcome. If it stinks, I accept your apology for ruining my recipe.
Cheers,
Jack
My cells are tired, and I suspect it’s my own damn fault.
It’s either my fault because my genes are too stellar, or because I’m facing a karmic punishment for narcissistic shit talking.
First the stellar gene theory, my son has decided that rather than sprouting one or two teeth at a time he’d prefer to have them all at once, thank you very much (I’m operating under the illusion that he’s thoughtfully weighed the pros and cons of protracted vs. acute teething and has “decided”). Thus, in addition to being preternaturally cute, tall, and intelligent–he’s believes in brutal efficiency.
I’m so proud. Proud and tired.
In his calculations, I don’t know that he adequately weighed the *Impact on Dad’s Hobbies* variable, or the *Parents Must Preform Adequately at Work* variable.
It is possible that my stellar genes haven’t gifted my son with the ability to plan his teething. If that’s true then in my exhausted state the only reason I can think of that the Universe would have all of a baby’s teeth come in at the same time is as a means of punishing a prideful, shit talking father (i.e. Me).
Before Baby Indy was born, I assured everyone around me that I was the King of the Jungle and that the Baby would bend to my iron will. The Baby would have to conform to my schedule, etc, etc, etc.
I’m such an asshole.
Thus the Universe decided to punish me for my narcissism–teach me some humility.
Well, the Universe can suck it, I’m not learning shit.
If anything I’m doubling down on my narcissism, take this blog as proof. It’s operating under the theory that a baby’s discomfort is a father’s punishment.
Ha! How about that Universe, lesson not learned.
Quick caveat, in the event that the Universe actually reads this know that I’m a huge fan of your work and would love it if you followed me on Twitter. Maybe you could even give us a retweet every once in a while?
So tired.
Cheers,
Jack
O Canadians how I love thee.
You send us your very best.
The second best Ghost Buster, Dan Aykroyd, is Canadian.
The second best sketch comedy show is Canadian, “I’m pinching your face!” Hail, Kids in the Hall.
The second best action-adventure based in Egypt stars Canadian Brendan Fraser.
My wife’s second favorite piece of actor man-candy is Canadian, thank you Ryan Gosling your existence is the equivalent of foreplay.
The second best 80′s Corey was Canadian, RIP Corey Haim.
The second coolest mustache on TV belonged to a Canadian, “Who is Alex Trebeck?” Damn you Tom Selleck
Finally, Canada gave the us the World’s Greatest Frankenstein. God Bless your Phil Hartman. Who can forget his dramatic interpretation of the Canadian Motto, “Fire bad.” Fire bad, indeed.
Cheers,
Jack
PS In all sincerity, I love Canada.
I had so many Canadian girlfriends in high school you can’t even believe it.
They were crazy hot too, so it makes sense that I have no prom pictures, or homecoming pictures, or Sadie Hawkins, MORP, Spring Fling, Winter Formal–the point is, if you had a smokin’ hot Canadian girlfriend you wouldn’t want to ruin it by going to some dumb high school dance.
I’m afraid to share this blog.
What will my readership think of me?
A readership I have no doubt numbers well into the teens. Even if it costs Jim and I readers, I’m tired of living a lie.
I’ve sinned and the only way to deal with the depravity of my nerd sins is a nerd confession.
Here goes, for your chastising pleasure I’ve grouped them into Cardinal and Venial Sins Against Nerd-dom.
CARDINAL SINS
I haven’t played Minecraft, and I think it looks idiotic.
I liked Armageddon, and that Aerosmith song.
I’ve pretended to be a huge fan of both “Firefly” and “Dr. Who,” though I got bored with both after the first episode.
I don’t really think Slave Leia is that hot.
If you ask me who will win between Kirk and Picard I honestly think… *yawn* What were we talking about?
I’ve yelled “Leeroy Jenkins,” referenced it in conversation, and this blog but have never, nor will I probably ever watch the video. It’s a video right?
VENIAL SINS
I consistently misspell “Wookiee” as “Wookie” and “Tatooine” as “Tattooine.”
I’ve watched every season of The Guild but I’m not sure why.
I will let my son play with the Grimlock that I got for Christmas in 1984.
Googling things seems like an awful lot of work, I’d rather just not know.
…
Huh, I was hoping for catharsis.
Instead I just feel sort of exposed. So, who wants to go watch a few episodes of “Dr. Who” on Netflix? I love that show.
Cheers,
Jack
PS I really shouldn’t read “The Crucible” right before I do these.
The comic–Jim gracioiusly agreed to let me release my inner pedant. So, prepare your skullcave for some book learnin’.
Fact: It’s well documented that James Joyce was a Pokemon fiend.
Fact: Hemingway hunted everything including the Covenant.
Fact: Zelda cooked with a Tommy Gun and F. Scott could Tokyo-Drift.
Fact: I spend too many hours on the couch.
We need recreation, but tabulation of the hours, days, weeks poured into those hobbies invariably triggers some deeply seated Catholic guilt response in me.
Pleasure=Selfish
Selfish=Bad
Or more elloquently,
When I consider how my light is spent,
Ere half my days, in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless…
John Milton
Don’t let your talent lodge worthlessly within you friends.
Cheers,
Jack
We never test our comics on focus groups. Here are some of the questions that they couldn’t have asked because they don’t exist.
Question 1:
Can a t-shirt with “+1 Charisma” get me laid?
Answer:
That’s not a simple question. Follow along closely and I’ll be able to give you a customized answer.
Step 1: Roll your d20 and add your Charisma modifier to it (If you don’t understand this nerd talk skip to Step 5)
Step 2: Add your opponent’s Will Save plus another d20.
Step 3: Add a +2 to your roll if you met your opponent at a nerd convention. Add +2 to your opponent’s Will Save if you met them anywhere else.
Step 4: No. No it won’t get you laid.
Step 5: Sure, why not. It’ll get you laid.
*If you found any errors or issues with the way I calculated my Will Save vs Charisma Check, you might just die a virgin.
Question 2:
Wow, “two and a half minutes!” What’s your secret?
Answer:
I think about kobolds in funny hats. Like a derby hat or sombrero.
Question 3:
“Operation Caligula Sunset” is a strange title. What’s it mean?
Answer:
Meaning is tricky. As I see it, it could mean one of two things.
- If you’re familiar with Caligula’s legend then you’ll know that at sunset Caligula’s carriage turns into a pumpkin and his horses turn back into mice. The parallel here is pretty clear so I won’t belabor the point
- Sometimes a whale is just a whale.
Question 4:
I’m having a really hard time telling the difference between Rachel McAdams and Amy Adams. Can you clear up the difference?
Answer:
It’s a common problem. In reality, they’re the same person.
Just like Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling.
On a related note, she was very good in both the new “Muppets Movie” and “Midnight in Paris.” Whereas he was very meh in both ”Green Lantern” and “The Ides of March.”
Cheers,
Jack
This script had its origins in Facebook.
In other news from ‘”Duh Magazine,” Facebook is a weird place. One that Jim makes me inhabit for the more efficient distribution of Soup.
Even though I’m a resident, I’m not terribly comfortable there. It’s a weird parallel universe that I struggle to embrace and understand. It may be that I’m an introvert, and the urge to mute everyone who’s cluttering up my wall is all too irresistible.
I’d like a neat, tidy, and silent wall thank you (Unicorn-Soup readers excluded of course, you all can clutter away).
Although a “Friends List” full of muted people clearly defeats the purpose of Facebook, it sounds to me like the perfect incarnation of the site.
All that said, Facebook is great in a lot of ways it…well it lets you…
I guess if nothing else it did inspire this comic. There’s that.
Cheers,
Jack
P.S. Follow us on Facebook! If for no other reason than to mute us.
It occurred to me that I might spend a bit of time explaining the origin of our comics–particularly when they’re a bit obscure. So something that my webcomic peers have taken to doing naturally I have come to approaching the end of our first year. Yep, I’m a genius.
This comic is based on the Darkspawn from Bioware’s “Dragon Age Universe.” The Darkspawn are, for all intents and purposes, orcs.
Like orcs, they run spasmodically and jabber away in an unintelligible and guttural gibberish. The comic was born by using the old, “They’re not really bad, they’re just misunderstood” trope. In this case the creepy smiling darkspawn was really just an excited kid, who dreamed of reaching the mysterious surface, and exploring its wonders. Sadly the first wonder the boy encountered was the wonder of the wandering warriors (Alliteration!).
In awkward segway news, “The Muppets Movie” is awesome.Watch it. If you don’t like it then I’d like you to check your chest for a scar because Dick Cheney may have drugged you in the night and swapped hearts with you.
Cheers,
Jack
PS Unicorn-Soup trivia– our comic was very nearly called “Castle Time” (Trademarked!) after my wife’s comic misunderstanding of the “Dragon Age” title.
I have unleashed a terror on the internet… the terror’s name, “Darth-Paul Fartre.”
What could be more frightening than a flatulent Darth? You can’t snicker when he lets one slip or you’ll wind up on the wrong side of a Force Choke with no Grand Moff Tarkin there to intercede.
He is a a fearsome mix of modern philosophy and potty joke. You’re welcome reader.
The strip itself is based on my experience playing Bioware’s Star Wars: The Old Republic (SWTOR). I chose a Role-Playing/PvP server because one of the greatest barriers to my suspension of disbelief is the player base. If I’m feeling all Han Solo and some guy named “SithedNmyPants” runs by it’s tough for me to stay in a Star Wars frame of mind.
Even on my Role Playing server though, there are far too many names that wouldn’t fit into canon. Such is the life of an MMO Player I suppose.
Cheers,
Jack
PS The character on the far left in the cantina panel “OG Buttchin” has possibly the worst, and by extension best gamer name ever.
As one of my students said, “Sometimes something can be so bad that it does a 360 and strangely becomes good.”
I’m not sure if he passed Geometry, but I like the metaphor. Thanks to Jim, the “Buttchin” will live in all your memories as he does ours. A twirling legend.
My wife isn’t a gamer.
The joy one experiences shooting nerds in their digital faces is as lost on her, as the appeal of a Nordstrom’s shoe sale is lost on me.
That’s not to say we haven’t learned things from one another as a result of our divergent hobbies.
She has learned that “Grinding” isn’t just done on the dance floor (though in all honesty, it probably shouldn’t be done there either, let’s class it up people). As she noted, “It’s when the game isn’t fun for you–but at any moment could become fun once you level.” I’ll ask her later why she hung her head and sighed so loudly after telling me that.
I’ve learned the difference between a “pump” and a “wedge.” I’ve also come to find out that I should cry a little bit anytime she pairs the words “Quality” and “Boot.”
I don’t know that it’s good or bad to have all the same hobbies as your spouse. Every couple will work that bit out for themselves–I can confidently say that hobbies don’t define the quality of relationship. As Jack discovered the grass is certainly not greener on the other side–as apparently, the other side is full of cat loving Sims players.
Cheers,
Jack
