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Almost Found Out

Almost Found Out published on No Comments on Almost Found Out

Sharing Unicorn Soup with your friends has been scientifically proven to prevent your March Madness Brackets from bursting into flames after the first weekend. Seriously, Florida Gulf Coast–who picks a 15 to go to the Sweet 16?

That my dear reader is how I pass as a normal everyday of work. 30 minutes of ESPN radio a few times a week on the way to work and I’m set for my talking points.

Check it out, *ahem*

“So who do you like, Tiger or the field?”

“Yeah, Flacco signed a huge new deal but he won’t see most of that money.”

“The Yankees won’t even finish second the AL East–that division is loaded! Smart money is on Toronto.”

“D’Antoni’s system just isn’t built for two bigs.”

Pretty good right? I actually like sports well enough, but I haven’t watched any regularly for years…it’s just too dramatic. Not good dramatic, more like “Pretty Little Liars” dramatic. Don’t believe it? Just watch any emotionally manipulative ESPN bio piece… or a 30 for 30.

Anyway, it’s best to just have a few stock responses ready and when in doubt, go Jordan and you’ll be fine.


What’s In a Name?

What’s In a Name? published on 6 Comments on What’s In a Name?

Weekly Soup readers we’ve got some exciting news. In the coming weeks Jim and I will be debuting an entirely new project.

I don’t want to say too much at this point, but it’s an adventure comic presented in the classic style of Milton Caniff‘s adventure strips. The new project will run on Mondays–so hopefully when you roll into work we can help you start your week off right.  By “right” I mean sticking it to the man and showing them that you’re not some worker drone, you’re a human being and that means reading comics whenever the fuck you want!  The story is already penned, revised, completed–so once we get a comfortable backlog of weekly strips produced we’ll begin releasing them. I’m lucky enough to have seen the first week’s strip already, and I have to tell you, Jim is extraordinarily gifted.

I think we’re all in for a treat.

All that said, have no fear Thursdays will still be reserved for the tomfoolery that you’ve come to expect here at Unicorn Soup. As always, we’ll alternate between what have become our three staples–the parenting and baby humor that my wife loves, the video game humor that she tolerates, and the masturbation jokes that she hates. The poor woman woman, the poor lovely, exceptional woman.




Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf’s Torso?

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf’s Torso? published on 1 Comment on Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf’s Torso?

To be clear, the comic is a critique of sexism in gaming and the game industry.

“But Jack,” you’re no doubt thinking “that’s obvious!  Don’t you have faith in me as a reader?”

“Yes,” I respond. “Yes, I do dear reader. After all, you’re part of the real cool club that is Unicorn Soup!”

That said, you never know where your comic will wind up…plus there are a lot of stupid people in the world.

Take as evidence the inexplicable promotional campaign that was the Dead Island:  Riptide’s torso boobs statue. A company that earlier suffered from the ignominy of the a bit of left over code labeling the female lead a “Feminist Whore.” A bit of code, no matter how tasteless and ugly, could just be the remnant of a hateful programmer -and shouldn’t necessarily be held against an entire organization.  A promotional campaign complete with a tiny busty bust–sure doesn’t speak well of the corporate climate surrounding Deep Silver.

I like clear glaring displays of stupidity. It lets you know who to avoid, and who to avoid giving your money to.



The Man of Seattle

The Man of Seattle published on 1 Comment on The Man of Seattle

First and most importantly, Happy Birthday to my lovely wife. I love and adore you!

Well, everyone is sick in the Casa de Jack this week. Colds remind me what a wimp I am. Both my toddler and my wife handle being sick WAY better than I do. Usually my method for overcoming illness is a steady diet of tea and gaming. This time around the bug happened to coincide with one of the best purchases I’ve ever made the Looney Tunes Golden Collection.  What’s so great about this, other than the hundreds of hours of amazing toons is that they’re all original… so Bugs drinks, smokes, and plays Russian Roulette. I like cultural sensitivity as much as the next guy, but I do hate revising classic art in the name of modern cultural mores. The collection also includes great bonus features–like commentary by the great Chuck Jones.

For all you would be parents out there I’ve got two pro-tips for you.

  1. Buy the Looney Tunes Golden Collection–you and your kids will love it
  2. Burnt flour works wonders for diaper rash. Like amazing alchemy magic.

Time for more Bugs and tea.



All In

All In published on 2 Comments on All In

My Valentine of more than a decade is responsible for the joke this week.

We sat in the Costco parking lot eating burritos, people watching–and trying to decide whether or not we had a Costco trip in us.  She looked over at me and said, “Baby, why does Costco demand so much commitment?  When I buy lotion do I really want to commit to a year’s worth in one purchase?  What if I want to mix it up after a few weeks?  Nope, sorry you have to use the ten gallons you already purchased.”

When you can eat burritos and enjoy a discussion about bulk goods, you know you’ve got the right Valentine.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Never Cross the Order

Never Cross the Order published on 2 Comments on Never Cross the Order

The first Dragonborn got his powers shortly after following Unicorn Soup on Facebook, Twitter, and sharing U.S. with all his friends and family. Wouldn’t you like to absorb dragon souls too?

Two guys I really like JJ Abrams and Gabe Newell announced today that they are looking to collaborate on both games and movies. We live in a brave and beautiful new world.

Certainly, it’s easy to nitpick the two creators–and preforming in nerd culture at the level that they do is sort of like being a sports star in New York City, that said I can’t wait for the collaboration. Think of it–a Valve Movie/Game crossover that blends the sci-fi genius that was the first two seasons of “Lost” with the innovative humor and storytelling of Portal…Aperture as Dharma Initiative?  A proper Half-Life movie complete with Orwellian overtones and not Shia cast as Gordon Freeman.

Or, the Holy Grail of crossovers–a Valve produced series of Star Wars games based on JJ’s up and coming Episodes VII, VIII and IX!  My friend Brian’s head has no doubt exploded somewhere in Ohio at this suggestion–but I can think of nothing better.

Think of the possibilities–Star Wars DoTA, Star Wars TF2, Star Wars Portal staring R2 and 3PO, Star Wars Left4Dead complete with Rakghoul Plague… the iterations are endless.

Thank you Universe for making these guys buddies. You have restored my faith, I guess  God really does love us nerds.



Circle of Life

Circle of Life published on 2 Comments on Circle of Life

Were you aware that following Unicorn Soup on Twitter and Facebook may result in spontaneous genie wish fulfillment? The one downside is that the genie will be voiced by a hyperactive furry midget with a transparent cocaine problem, so make your wishes count.

When I started blogging I didn’t feel particularly funny so I Googled Emo song lyrics–admittedly, I know nothing about Emo music nor do I know anything about these bands. Just the same I feel better–here are two of my favorite Gloomy Gus Bands and their Sad Sally Lyrics.

This one is a gem, by a band named Saetia:

It’s too bad, it’s too tragic
I spent myself choking on the motions
leading up to

The misfortune in question here is that his mom loaded his favorite cutting knife in the dishwasher. Which means she was totally in his bedroom while he was at soccer practice. It’s like, why are there even doors in their house? Parents just don’t understand.

Here’s a peach by Taking Back Sunday. I did some research on this lyric and apparently it’s a good way to test a friendship.

Here’s how the test goes, if you can recite this lyric, as if it’s your thought, to someone who claims to be your friend, and they don’t smack you in your face like Don Corleone…then they’re not really your friend.

The truth is you could slit my throat
and with my one last gasping breath
I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt

Thanks Emo world. I feel way better.



The Allegory of the Cave

The Allegory of the Cave published on 1 Comment on The Allegory of the Cave

I read somewhere that following U.S. on Facebook and Twitter may result in one “S. Spielberg” doing a bio-pic about you. I haven’t been able to substantiate this, but if I were you I’d opt for the safe route. Follow U.S., share U.S., love U.S..

Today’s blog will be full of awkward transitions–in the place of a clever sequitur I’ll be typing, “CHANGE PLACES” in all caps. Why? Well it all…


The comic is another Skyrim gag–so here’s the joke for the uninitiated, Skyrim is a beautiful complex and extraordinarily interactive world and the AI, for the most part, is very good. Though, and here’s the caveat, there’s a tiny, tiny oddity in the stealth system. As a player you can actually shoot an enemy’s companion right in the head–leaving a gurgling heap in front of them and they’ll basically shrug and go back to whatever mundane task they were up to before you stuck an arrow in their pal.

The lesson–suspend your disbelief, it makes for happier gaming.


You Say Yes!  In ColorA friend and reader of ours, Mr. Dark, sent me this colorized version of last week’s comic. To my knowledge, this our first piece of fan art. A sincere thanks and tip of the spoon to our Canadian mate.


Go read Lunar Baboon. It’s charming, clever, and totally hilarious. I think it may be written by my Canadian doppelganger as the his about page sounds eerily like–well, like a Canadian me. I’m a fan of this guy’s work. Well done space beast.



You Say Yes

You Say Yes published on 3 Comments on You Say Yes

Had Conan lived in an age with “Ghostbusters” and “Skyrim” I suspect, if he’d been honest with himself, he would have added them to his list of what is best in life–I don’t think they’d have beaten out enemy crushing, but they’re both way better than women lamenting.

But of course, I’m Jack the Civil and he’s Conan the Barbarian so maybe I’m just projecting.

This may very well be one of my favorite comics. We’ve got some nice Easter Eggs in there too for those with an eye for detail. First the entire comic plays on a quote from, that most quotable of movies, “Ghostbusters.”  Here’s the scene, you’re welcome.

Panel 3 has a very nice pile of bones that was once Xavier’s cat–we’ll call her Stalker. In real-life my brother is both really into his cat and Skyrim, though to my knowledge she’s still with us. The second is a little homage to one of my comic heroes Bugs Bunny.

Panel 4 you’ll notice that Xavier has just finished making a deposit into one of his pee bottles. To my knowledge the real life Xavier has plumbing, but he is a bachelor so I’m not willing to say he hasn’t made a trucker bomb in his recliner. Admit it gentlemen, the temptation is strong.

Panel 5 Xavier has tissue boxes on his feet. I’ll avoid the obvious tissue joke here. On another note, man can Jim draw a grizzled hobo-looking guy. Well done partner!

Well that’s it for this week. Make sure to share us with your friends and follow us on Twitter and Facebook.



The Long Wait

The Long Wait published on 5 Comments on The Long Wait

Follow us on Facebook and Bill Murray will come to your house and offer to shovel your walk.  If you share our comics with your friends, then apparently he’ll do it and not just steal your snow-shovel

That’s what I’ve heard anyway.  I may have been misinformed.

If you’re not a gamer here’s a comic from our archive to cheer up your Thursday, “When the Wife’s Away.”

This has been a really good time for us here at Unicorn Soup.  As you know we got nominated for a spot on Kotaku’s Sunday Comics page.  Well fans the news is we didn’t win a spot–I call it “news” rather than “bad news,” because I don’t think there was anyway that the nomination could have turned-out badly for us.

Would it have been nice to win? Certainly, but we gained a lot from the experience. Here’s a quick list:

  1. We got a nice bump in our readership, and hopefully picked up a few more regular readers.
  2. People on Kotaku actually said complementary things about our strip–this from one of the snarkiest collection of trolls on the internet.
  3. It really is flattering to have been nominated alongside the biggest and most popular comics on the planet.  Ego boost!

Sincere thanks from Jim and I to everyone who voted for us, posted our strip, and worked to get the word out.  It’s humbling to have people appreciate and believe in your work.

Thank you!


PS  If you’re in a holiday mood you’ll probably enjoy this from our archive, “The Gift that Keeps on Giving.”  In a related story ,I bought my 19 month old son every Lord of the Rings themed Lego in existence. Happy Thursday!